2016 Culture Hash Awards
We’re on award tour with Gigi my man
Jack Kavanagh and Gigi Hadid walk across the stage and take their places at the podium to scattered applause from both audience members
JACK
Hello and welcome to the first annual Culture Hash Awards for outstanding boobery in the world of entertainment in 2016; the show where the awards are made up and the winners don’t matter. I am joined by my lovely co-host Gigi Hadid.
GIGI
Thanks for having me, it’s great to be here! I haven’t seen this many yellow faces since the great Jaundice epidemic of ’98!
Bored silence meets the punchline
GIGI
People might think I am unqualified to host an award show of this magnitude. But think I showed at the American Music Awards that I can awkwardly read jokes off the autocue as well as anyone. Plus I’m good looking so I will get future award show work over less attractive and more talented female comedians.
JACK
That’s great Gigi. I love the scripted banter between co-hosts at award ceremonies. On a related subject I couldn’t help but notice you’re wearing a diving suit. Take it easy with the drinks tonight, you don’t want to drink and dive.
Sound of pin dropping
GIGI
Why yes, this is the latest Chanel diving suit; the next obnoxious fashion trend you will see modelled on the catwalks but never in real life. Now on to the awards!
JACK
Urban Dictionary defines award as an acronym for “Assraped With A Rotating Device.” Something Kendrick Lamar can relate to after he missed out on Grammy of the Year to Taylor Swift’s lukewarm last album.
GIGI
Our first award is the most meta of tonight’s categories.
and the winner is…
GIGI
Nicki Minaj takes this award for winning the BET Best Female Hip-Hop Artist for the 7th year in a row!
JACK
In another weak year for female hip-hop Nicki Minaj strolled to another easy win despite releasing no new music. She is guaranteed to win every other female rapper award going.
GIGI
The Oxford English Dictionary defines “award” as “A prize or other mark of recognition given in honour of an achievement”. I am proud to award our next award to an award-winning sports team.
and the winner is…
JACK
Like everyone else we are giving Leicester City the award for giving everyone the best feel good underdog story since Dodgeball.
GIGI
That’s right Jack. Their improbable route from relegation fodder to Premier League champions is the stuff of dreams, which can come true.
JACK
Everyone has talked this to death, let’s move on to the first of our guest awards.
GIGI
Unfortunately our first guest host Charlotte of Babel Fish Out of Water was recently killed in a drive-by shooting.
JACK
But with the wonders of modern science we can go live to her disembodied head to present the winner. And doesn’t she look lovely!?
and the winner is…
GIGI
Thanks Charlotte, may God have mercy on your soul.
JACK
Now to the first of our music gongs tonight for outstanding hilarity in a rap song
and the winner is…
I used to get the coldest shoulders / But now I get the hottest ass
GIGI
Big Baby D.R.A.M. has been coming with the Real Ass Music all year!
JACK
For an extra helping please welcome our house band Block Party, with their fantastic cover of “Brick House”
GIGI
Our second guest award of the evening comes from Mr. Tom Regan in our most topical category of the evening. Unfortunately, Tom couldn’t be here to present the award because he is busy ironing his shirts tonight.
and the winner is…
GIGI
A few seasons into Football Manager 2017, players are hit with various scenarios that can affect the movement of their player, ranging from “hard” to “soft” Brexit.
JACK
The game has everything the real thing lacks, planning, strategy and foresight. But as the development team actually planned for Brexit they had an advantage over the politicians.
GIGI
That’s right Jack, plus this game has actually managed to remove Britain from the European Union which is more than the government has been able to. Amiright?!
JACK
Our next award goes to someone very special. The subject of Culture Hash’s first ever musical biography. Craig David! He joins us to collect the dubious honour of:
and the winner is…
JACK
Do not adjust your calendars folks! In this, the year of our Lord 2016, it costs over £40 to see Craig David relive his glory days on stage.
GIGI
We almost gave this award to Drake for this abomination:
JACK
But we felt that you would probably get more for your money with Drake, even if the show costs the same as a small holiday.
GIGI
Our next award celebrates those films you just have to see on the big screen to appreciate
and the winner is…
JACK
A film filled with psychedelic sequences, fight scenes involve characters literally bending cities to their advantage, in some of the most inventive action sequences of 2016.
GIGI
Our final award of the year is our most prestigious and serious.
and the winner is…
JACK
Kanye has still got it folks, he has crafted an album of intricate beats and sometimes shockingly bad raps. Some of it feels messy with half-baked ideas turned into tracks. However, the album remains the most compelling release of 2016 because of what it represents, the thoughts of a man on the verge of a mental breakdown. The Life of Pablo revived the career of Kid Cudi, and introduced the world to Desiigner. One of the most important albums of the year.
GIGI
This concludes our 2016 wrap-up, a strange year and even stranger blog post.
JACK
We hope you join us again next year when we give out even more meaningless awards.
