Lego Audience

2016 Culture Hash Awards

 

We’re on award tour with Gigi my man

Jack Kavanagh and Gigi Hadid walk across the stage and take their places at the podium to scattered applause from both audience members

Culture Hash Award Show

JACK

Hello and welcome to the first annual Culture Hash Awards for outstanding boobery in the world of entertainment in 2016; the show where the awards are made up and the winners don’t matter. I am joined by my lovely co-host Gigi Hadid.

GIGI

Thanks for having me, it’s great to be here! I haven’t seen this many yellow faces since the great Jaundice epidemic of ’98!

Bored silence meets the punchline

GIGI

People might think I am unqualified to host an award show of this magnitude. But think I showed at the American Music Awards that I can awkwardly read jokes off the autocue as well as anyone. Plus I’m good looking so I will get future award show work over less attractive and more talented female comedians.

JACK

That’s great Gigi. I love the scripted banter between co-hosts at award ceremonies. On a related subject I couldn’t help but notice you’re wearing a diving suit. Take it easy with the drinks tonight, you don’t want to drink and dive.

Sound of pin dropping

GIGI

Why yes, this is the latest Chanel diving suit; the next obnoxious fashion trend you will see modelled on the catwalks but never in real life. Now on to the awards!

JACK

Urban Dictionary defines award as an acronym for “Assraped With A Rotating Device.” Something Kendrick Lamar can relate to after he missed out on Grammy of the Year to Taylor Swift’s lukewarm last album.

GIGI

Our first award is the most meta of tonight’s categories.

Shoe-In Award Show Award of 2016

and the winner is…

Nicki Minaj

GIGI

Nicki Minaj takes this award for winning the BET Best Female Hip-Hop Artist for the 7th year in a row!

JACK

In another weak year for female hip-hop Nicki Minaj strolled to another easy win despite releasing no new music. She is guaranteed to win every other female rapper award going.

GIGI

The Oxford English Dictionary defines “award” as “A prize or other mark of recognition given in honour of an achievement”. I am proud to award our next award to an award-winning sports team.

Sports Moment of the Year

and the winner is…

Leicester City

Leicester title lift

JACK

Like everyone else we are giving Leicester City the award for giving everyone the best feel good underdog story since Dodgeball.

GIGI

That’s right Jack. Their improbable route from relegation fodder to Premier League champions is the stuff of dreams, which can come true.

JACK

Everyone has talked this to death, let’s move on to the first of our guest awards.

GIGI

Unfortunately our first guest host Charlotte of Babel Fish Out of Water was recently killed in a drive-by shooting.

JACK

But with the wonders of modern science we can go live to her disembodied head to present the winner. And doesn’t she look lovely!?

Best TV Not-Wedding

and the winner is…

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Award Show - Charlotte Donnelly

GIGI

Thanks Charlotte, may God have mercy on your soul.

JACK

Now to the first of our music gongs tonight for outstanding hilarity in a rap song

Funniest Hip-Hop Line of 2016

and the winner is…

D.R.A.M. – “Cash Machine”

I used to get the coldest shoulders / But now I get the hottest ass

D.R.A.M. Cash Machine

GIGI

Big Baby D.R.A.M. has been coming with the Real Ass Music all year!

JACK

For an extra helping please welcome our house band Block Party, with their fantastic cover of “Brick House”

Lego Band

GIGI

Our second guest award of the evening comes from Mr. Tom Regan in our most topical category of the evening. Unfortunately, Tom couldn’t be here to present the award because he is busy ironing his shirts tonight.

Best Video Game Brexit

and the winner is…

Football Manager 2017

Football Manager 2017 Brexit

GIGI

A few seasons into Football Manager 2017, players are hit with various scenarios that can affect the movement of their player, ranging from “hard” to “soft” Brexit.

JACK

The game has everything the real thing lacks, planning, strategy and foresight. But as the development team actually planned for Brexit they had an advantage over the politicians.

GIGI

That’s right Jack, plus this game has actually managed to remove Britain from the European Union which is more than the government has been able to. Amiright?!

Lego Politics

JACK

Our next award goes to someone very special. The subject of Culture Hash’s first ever musical biography. Craig David! He joins us to collect the dubious honour of:

Overpriced Concert of the Year

and the winner is…

Craig David

craig david tickets

JACK

Do not adjust your calendars folks! In this, the year of our Lord 2016, it costs over £40 to see Craig David relive his glory days on stage.

GIGI

We almost gave this award to Drake for this abomination:

drake tickets

JACK

But we felt that you would probably get more for your money with Drake, even if the show costs the same as a small holiday.

GIGI

Our next award celebrates those films you just have to see on the big screen to appreciate

Trippiest Film of the Year

and the winner is…

Dr. Strange

JACK

A film filled with psychedelic sequences, fight scenes involve characters literally bending cities to their advantage, in some of the most inventive action sequences of 2016.

Dr. Strange fight

GIGI

Our final award of the year is our most prestigious and serious.

Album of the Year

and the winner is…

Kanye West – The Life of Pablo

kanye west the life of pablo

JACK

Kanye has still got it folks, he has crafted an album of intricate beats and sometimes shockingly bad raps. Some of it feels messy with half-baked ideas turned into tracks. However, the album remains the most compelling release of 2016 because of what it represents, the thoughts of a man on the verge of a mental breakdown. The Life of Pablo revived the career of Kid Cudi, and introduced the world to Desiigner. One of the most important albums of the year.

GIGI

This concludes our 2016 wrap-up, a strange year and even stranger blog post.

JACK

We hope you join us again next year when we give out even more meaningless awards.

What do you think?